There Are Rules

It's hard to be a parent watching your teen navigate friendships. Mistakes will be made and awkwardness will happen. I get it that many teens seem to prefer to communicate online because it must seem easier.  But social skills are absolutely vital, and what teens desperately need, like it or not, is practice.

People who have better social skills are happier, because they are much better friends, spouses, parents, employees and bosses. They have much greater earning potential. Their health is better. It is pretty easy to find numerous scientific studies that show all of these things, just in case anyone thought we needed proof.

It does seem pretty ridiculous that kids aren't routinely taught social skills as a subject. But they are mostly left to figure out social skills on their own. And an estimated 85% or so of human communication is nonverbal. Body language is inherently human and cross-cultural. Kids who are blind since birth develop body language along with their sighted peers. But learning to consciously recognize and control our nonverbal communication does not come automatically. Online chat or texting doesn't help.

Kids need social interaction that takes place in person in order to practice social skills, and there's really no substitute. I think most people would agree that it's best to have a good grasp of social skills before life changing communication takes place. Knowing how to appear confident at the interview for your dream job, or express your feelings to the person you feel is your soulmate, or impress a client even if you're terribly nervous can make a world of difference. Knowing how to read the feelings of others and respond appropriately, and how to discern whether someone has sterling character or very much does not, are skills everyone needs. 

As a very busy parent, I know how tempting it may be to encourage your kids to communicate mainly online. Parents may very well believe that it's just fine for kids to spend far more of their time texting than getting together. It's so much easier than driving them around, or worrying about them when they're out and about. But then they are missing out. Employers are starting to notice a problem with applicants who are tech savvy, but don't have "soft skills". They can't be trusted to work in teams, to supervise others, or to work with clients because their social skills are lacking. 

Which brings me to my point, which is that there are actual rules for social invitations. If you don't follow them, like it or not, people may judge you harshly, and possibly take offense when none many be intended. 

1) When someone you might like to be friends with invites you to a get together, say yes. That should be the main factor, not whether the specific activity is your favorite. After all, friends are bound to introduce you to some great things you never would have tried on your own. Do respond quickly, so they don't get the impression you will only accept once you know nothing better is going to come along.

2) When you really must say no, it is not usually necessary to provide a reason. Sometimes the other person may worry that your reason isn't sincere, so just explaining that you won't be able to go is best. However, it's now your turn to reschedule or suggest something else. Do not consider just completely ignoring any personal invitation that was given sincerely. That's just plain rude.

3) After you establish a friendship, try to make sure there isn't one person who is issuing most of the invitations. Try to keep it fairly even. 

4) Do give extra weight to group events. They may be an opportunity to make a new friend. 

5) Of course it is totally fine to have get togethers that are just for you and your best buddies. It is never okay to let people who weren't invited know about them and feel left out. 

6) If you belong to an online message board, and someone wants to plan a group get together, it's usually best not to respond unless you want to accept. It can be a downer to post an invitation, and get a bunch of rejections, so that it feels like there's peer pressure to say no. Especially don't post sarcastic replies. 

Parents, please please be supportive of your kid spending time with friends in person. There are a few rules that apply to us parents.

1) The rule that you shouldn't let people who weren't invited know all about social events they weren't invited to, applies to you also. Resist the urge to post pictures on Facebook of your kids' parties, so that the parents of uninvited kids will wonder why their kid wasn't included. There's just no need to do this.

2) Speaking of parties, you already know it's customary in the United States for kids to have parties or get togethers with friends on their birthdays. Announcing on social media that your child is having a birthday may create unnecessary worry. Other parents will wonder if your child had a birthday party and didn't invite their kid, or if your kid just really doesn't like spending time with friends for their birthday. Either way isn't really putting it in a positive light. 

3) If you are a parent of a teen, it's not news to you that teens can have dramatic moods. Some days, seemingly small things can make them feel desperately sad and alone. Try to encourage them to be kind to each other. Small acts of rudeness or indifference can have unintended ripple effects. But small acts of kindness like a compliment or a sincere thank you, or even just a smile and nod of acknowledgement when they see each other, can make a world of difference. Going out of their way to include someone can really make that person's day. Our acts of kindness to others are also gifts to ourselves- they can make you feel like a million bucks!

If you think about it, it's kind of strange that we don't have widely available social skills classes. We definitely could do better for all our kids. There are lots of things about social skills that just aren't obvious. For example, can you describe the body language that communicates you are approachable, and interested in what someone is saying to you? How to be a good listener? How to tell if someone may be lying?

I've spent some time looking for teaching resources, and I've found there's a lot to love about "How Rude! The Teen Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out" by Alex J. Packer, PhD. The author makes liberal use of humor to illustrate his points, so it's a lot of fun to read. 

Many of the best resources I've found have been ones that are intended mainly for adults. However, I have found a couple of gems that do provide guidelines that work for anybody. One of my favorites is "How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends" by Don Gabor, which is a classic full of straightforward and practical advice. Another is "Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People" by Vanessa Van Edwards. We had the good luck to meet the author at a book talk, and she was amazing. She was herself once an awkward teen who had a eureka moment when she realized that there must be real, teachable rules to social skills. Today she runs an actual human behavior research lab, and you can subscribe to her email list to get updates on new findings.